Positive Fabulous Women

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The Positivity Trap


Recently I posted a rant on Facebook which has since generated hundreds of comments, likes and shares — so I thought I’d share here as well. I clearly hit a nerve and started an important conversation – which is a good thing, regardless of whether you agree with me or not.

*** Warning: This post represents my personal views and might not sit well with a few fab people in my tribe. I’m quite ok if I ruffle a few feathers, but my intention is not to offend anyone.

Deep breaths. Here it goes…

*NOTHING* pisses me off more than conscious/spiritual folks who are so obsessed with staying positive that they avoid anything that might be taken as negative in any way.

All of you Law of Attraction fans who are terrified of any negative thoughts for fear of attracting more of that into your life. Ugh.

Now before you get mad at me – I’m well aware that the LOA is more than that. I know that many folks misunderstand the teachings and apply them not in the way they’re intended.

But I have seen far too many women (and some men) who live their lives behind a facade, covering up their pain. They put on a happy mask and “act as if”. They read spiritual books, attend personal development workshops and watch inspirational documentaries. They practice positive affirmations, repeat mantras, write gratitude journals and drink green juice.

They’re in a perpetual state of avoidance and denial. They are disconnected from themselves and out of touch with their pain.

They’re terrified of admitting their feelings to themselves – let alone get help.

It drives me mad.

Shielding yourself from all negativity does not make you positive – it makes you delusional.

Ignoring & denying the reality in your own life, family, community and the world at large does not make you enlightened. You’re just living in a bubble.

Shoving things under the rug and pretending they’re not there is not going to bring you joy, abundance or your soulmate. It’s just going to leave you bitter and disappointed.

Avoiding and denying the truth doesn’t make it go away. Sooner or later it will come back to bite you in the butt.

Stop the sugar coating. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Stop the sappy talk and all the sweetness. It’s bad for your teeth and your life.

It’s time to get real with yourself and each other.

The only way out is through.

Forget positive; focus on real.

Did I just say that – as founder of a business named Positive Fabulous Women ? Yep sure did :)

Hey, I’m all for dreaming big – but it’s time you get your head out of the clouds and plant your feet firmly in the here and now.

Thoughts are powerful. It’s important to protect yourself from too much drama or pain. You need to take care of yourself. No questions there.

The reality is that we live in a cruel world. There are some terrible and sad things happening all around us. We don’t need to immerse ourselves in them. But how are we ever to change any of it if we pretend they doesn’t exist?

Oh and something else – you didn’t attract every bad thing that’s happened in your life. You didn’t manifest every ailment and disease. I’m all for personal responsibility but stop the blame already.

Shit happens to everyone. People have health issues. Accidents happen. We get sick. We suffer. We die. That’s life.

You don’t have to watch the news 24/7 but please stay informed on what’s going on in the world and in your community.

You don’t have to spend your time with people who drain and suck the life out of you – but cutting them out of your life is not the only answer either.

You don’t have to obsess about your health issues, your debt or your loneliness – but perhaps it’s time to acknowledge and deal with them head on.

Get support. Find help. Deal with reality. Find balance.

No bubble. No sugar-coating. No Kool-Aid. No blinders.

Time to get real. Be human. Feel pain. Heal.

The truth shall set you free.

/rant over


Did this resonate in any way? Do you feel trapped by the expectations of having to put on a happy face? Do you find positivity a tool to help you deal with all the negativity in this world? Please comment below and let me know what you think. 



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Katia Millar is the Founder & Chief Inspirational Officer of Positive Fabulous Women. She’s also a mentor, speaker, connector and visibility strategist with a mission to support women to show up, connect and shine their light so that they can do what they love & love what they do. Over the past 10 years, Katia has gone from being an overwhelmed, under-employed single mom with virtually no connections and no sense of purpose to creating a juicy life, building a solid brand, hosting 350+ events and growing a network of over 15 thousand. Katia has appeared in the Globe & Mail, SiriusXM, The Women’s Post, Chloe Magazine, Rogers TV, Extraordinary Women TV and has spoken to numerous local and national audiences both on stage and on camera. In addition, Katia has travelled to over 25 countries and considers herself to be a global citizen and bon vivant who is passionate about making a difference in the world.

Latest posts by Katia Millar (see all)

May 5, 2017 |

3 thoughts on “The Positivity Trap

  1. I’m not in total agreement, but thank you Katia for your perspective on sugar-coating every little thing. That has always bothered me too.

    There’s one thing you wrote that I’d like to offer my perspective about. You wrote: “…you didn’t attract every bad thing that’s happened in your life. You didn’t manifest every ailment and disease. I’m all for personal responsibility but stop the blame already.”

    In the work I do as a holistic health and transformational coach, I know that most people crave acknowledgement and very few get it in their day to day lives. I believe that our feelings crave acknowledgement and if we gloss over them before we actually ‘feel’ them, we’ll end up ‘delusional’, and worse! I’ve noticed that many people find their feelings too painful or frightening to experience. Some would rather have physical pain or a diagnosed physical problem than explore their sadness, anger, grief, guilt or fear.

    I believe that we manifest our physical and emotional challenges, that seem to come out of the blue, as a result of not honouring ourselves. To live fully and be healthy and happy, we must take care of our bodies and feel our feelings; we must make healthy choices.

    A physical problem is often the result of repeatedly ignoring or not recognizing your body or mind’s communication that something is wrong. Maybe you decide it’s no big deal that you’re eating bad food, getting little sleep, not having regular dental care and not bothering to nurture your relationships. You think your habit of pushing yourself past fatigue to work longer hours or stay up late is no problem. You disrespect your need for rest and renewal; you say ‘yes’ when you know that you want to say ‘no’ because you believe it’s selfish to put yourself first; you accept work that you know is not what you really want and you do this because you believe you can’t have what you really want; you ignore signs and symptoms in your relationships that all is not well and then are surprised when everything falls apart.

    How can any of those choices be good for physical or emotional health? These scenarios, and more, create overall chronic stress, bitterness, resentment, procrastination and unhappiness that depress the immune system, cause inflammation, and lead to dis-ease and general unhappiness.

    Are you to blame for the dis-eases, illnesses and conditions that you develop? Nope, not until now. Now you’re aware that your choices affect your outcomes, you’re to blame if you do nothing to make better choices, or you choose to give away your power to heal yourself to a doctor or other health practitioner. Anyone you consult about your health is a partner in your health management, not your magical healer. And by the way, who’s the common denominator in your life? You are responsible for your health and wellness, and no one else!

    If you don’t like the results you’re getting in any part of your life, it’s up to you to make different choices. It’s like those old sayings, “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the same results.” and “The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing, while expecting different results.” How willing are you to ask for help and/or be open to choices you may not have considered before? Is it more important for you to be right, or to be healthy, happy and alive?

    Change can be easy and fast, but you have to be ready and willing to do the work. There are no magic pills that treat the root cause. Are you sick of treating symptoms? Find yourself a practitioner you trust and open your eyes to all that your life can be if you want it badly enough.

    You’re not well, you say? What are you going to do about it?

  2. Well said Katia. This is a timely conversation to start especially now. Global politics demand reality in our minds that further demands searching for our own individual solutions which means pulling our heads out of sweeting platitudes and doing some self-conscious editing. If I’ve learned nothing from being a life coach for coming up on 11 years, it is that hiding behind false-positive self correction only drives folks deeper into fear and denial of who they are afraid they are. Once a person faces one tiny piece of a perceived bad outcome to some life choice – then takes that negative perception apart, searching for what they did right and proper, that on its own was successful, THEN positivity becomes based in validation instead of wishful thinking. Katia, as always you dive deep with your straight shooting, no nonsense life approach. Thanks for being YOU!

  3. Mag says:

    I actually am in total agreement. There is far too much delusional thinking out there , and ‘painting the perfect image’ type of stuff happening – and the subsequent pressure that others end up feeling (i.e. those who in their own minds ‘ do not measure up’ ). Also, why so much emphasis everywhere of ‘accomplishments’ ; why is there no mention simply of a person’s general attributes of kindness, tolerance etc. If one does feel negative or down, they often do not want to share if for fear of further isolating themselves from the ‘positive’ ones. It is hard especially for young people out there trying to establish themselves – especially those who do not conform to a prescribed norm (e.g. the steps of high school, followed by university, followed by marriage, followed by the house purchase, followed by 2.5 kids). Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, yet the poor young adult who is – for a variety of reasons – not on that same path often feels terribly marginalized – and I feel for them and for the negative thoughts that they harbour.

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